It all started when someone called my attention about something I did. Even though I can justify the cause of such ‘behavior’ on my part, the point is this incident made me realize a lot of things.
First and I think, the most important, is the fact that I have been careless. You know those times when we feel it’s okay to do some things because we can do them or do things in mediocre manner because no one bothers to notice. The thing is, every little thing matters and as time goes by, what started out as a little thing accumulates and becomes something big, and most of the times, destructive.
Let’s just say that the incident scared the guts out of me. I tried to make light of it but the truth was I was really worried. For someone who never really broke the rules or went against the accepted norms, this was big.
Second, time is really important. My carelessness led me to treat everything as repairable when in fact some things cannot be mended. For one, you cannot expect things to have remedies all the time. Remember those times you sat idly on your chair, waiting for inspiration to come? Turns out you have to cause that spark, you have to start the flame. It may be windy that the fire dies even before it creates warmth but the point is, you have to start it. Otherwise, nothing will happen. It’s the same with this one. I really had to make that move to correct my actions; otherwise, it would be too late.
My reactive attitude towards a lot of things caused me not just trouble but so much worry as well. Just imagine going on vacation with negative thoughts hovering above your head. Very unhealthy, indeed.
Third, I am not indispensable. I must keep this in mind every time I feel life is unfair (which is true). I realized, for someone who has been following rules all her life, what’s so hard in taking the policies by heart?
Fourth, I am alone in this battle. Sure, I can ask for help from other people and I’m sure they can really help me. The thing is, I have always been alone in my life-every decision I make is my own so every result coming from that decision is my own. I am responsible for all my actions.
Lastly, not all is lost. Sure, there will be repercussions following the bad calls I made but every mistake allows me to review my actions. One night, without really intending to do so, I just found myself thanking God for giving me this dilemma. It surely made me realize the things I mentioned above.
My problem is far from being resolved. I still feel scared and worry still haunts my heart but I am still hopeful that things will fall into their proper places in the end. More importantly, I have learned some valuable lessons. Realizing them might have been difficult for me but I think all of us need some wake up calls once in a while.