“Maybe I’m Just Not the One for You”

From an old blog (August 11, 2008)

Now it’s my time to speak. Can you here me out?

The past few days you seem to be focused on yourself alone, emphasizing
on the hurt you are bearing, on the pride that has been scourged. I
listened. I heard you out, letting you take the floor, letting you
unburden yourself. It was energy draining, yes. But did I tell you
that? Maybe I did but you did not notice. I understand. Completely. I
have my pride too. It would crush me to be put in that position. I
would feel the same. But can’t that pride be set aside first for the
sake of everything? For the sake of everyone?

I find it hard to determine my side anymore. I will put up fight, a
good one at that, if situation calls for it. And I think I did. I
fought for you. I fought for us. But why do I find myself the sole
victim all of a sudden? Why do I feel that between the two of us, it’s
me who’s gonna get hurt more?

I tried to make it work. I did not leave even if I know I had a chance
to be happier and more stable if ever i did leave. Instead, I stayed,
for the heck of it (and for my stubbornness, as well). I figured if I
leave then I won’t be able to really realize if this will really work.

But you see, I can’t seem to get the hang of it. Just when I think I’ve
already made myself home, why is it that something comes up and I’m
left with this feeling that you don’t want me in your life? That behind
that friendly face I can sense betrayal?

I am trying my best here. I know I’m not like the rest. I know I don’t
have everything. But don’t you get it? I gave up something BIG for
this! Something that right now i don’t even know if I can have back. I
know I’ve wavered before, that was about to leave. But I stayed. Isn’t
that enough? Am I still not the ONE?

I feel terrible for what transpired these past few days. I cannot help
thinking if I should take these into serious consideration for my
decision. Are these sure signs that I need to let this go? That I need
to give it up? That I need to leave?

You’ve been hurt. But how about me? I hate this feeling. I feel so
unsure of the future, our future. See? I still think of us! How about
you? Do you think of me? Do you even stop to think about me?

What about my pride? What about me? Don’t I deserve better than this? Am I that easy to set aside?

I feel so sorry. For you, for me, for us.
But I’m still hoping. I’m not letting go. Not yet.


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