Blame it on the gloomy weather we’re having today. After walking under the rain in search of something to eat and getting drenched in return, I found myself reading this entry I did one late evening, a couple of years back.I still remember I wrote this out of hopelessness. I went online using my phone and typed all my emotions there and sent it to a group of people and attempted to hide my true identity by making it seem that it did not come from me. Who was I kidding? I think they knew all along it was me. Haha. Love can make us do crazy stuff indeed, especially with an unrequited love at that. So here I am, sharing my emotions again but this time, I’m owning up to the words and the feelings you are about to discover. I have used Jars of Clay’s Tea and Sympathy as the title of this letter. Maybe because the first few words of the song tell us it’s about good bye.
There are no easy ways of saying goodbye to people who have been part of your life. But living with the idea, or rather, living in a fantasy that will never become a reality will only make matters worse. Hence, the need for closure.
But what is closure? Is it just saying goodbye? Is it a mere closing of one chapter of your life? Is it letting go even if you still have the urgency of holding on? Is it plain acceptance? Is it moving on?
I do not have with me the answers to my questions. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing now. All I know is that somewhere, somehow I have to begin the process towards peace, towards bidding farewell to this emotion that has gotten between us.
Let me commence by telling you how I still feel truly blessed every time I think of that day I first met you. I didn’t only find you, I happened to stumble upon a friendship that would help me find my identity through the years. You were more than a friend. You had become a family to me, a mentor, a confidante, a rock.
Yet like children, we do a lot of foolish things in life. I committed such grave mistake. A sin that I feel is so unforgivable. A sin such as breaking the golden rule on friendship.
Yes, I have fallen in love with you. But let me tell you, I didn’t want this to happen, I didn’t plan it, let alone expected it. But it happened and there is no turning back.
At first I thought it would just pass like any other infatuations I had when I was younger. But it came to a point that I felt it was hopeless knowing you’re already happy with someone else. I couldn’t bear that. I had to do something.
I prayed that I’d be able to get over this sooner, but it was not easy. Especially when there were lots of opportunities for me to get closer to you.
And you? You were so happy with your life to even notice me. Or maybe you did? Did you feel it, my longing for you? Did my eyes say what my lips tried to hide? Was it the reason why I felt you were going away all of a sudden?
Maybe…Maybe that’s it…Its okay, I’m writing this not to tell you I love you and that I want to be with you. No, I can’t do that. I don’t want that.
You see, I’m writing this because I love you so much I’d rather live without you knowing about my feelings, rather than live with your life ruined. I’m doing this stupid letter because I’m letting it all go. I’m letting you go.
Thank you for loving me. Even if I could have wanted more than what we have, it’s better than not having you at all in my life. At least I can still have you as my friend. Me? I’m yours forever. Even if you no longer need me, I will be here always.
Thank you because you let me love you in silence and in silence I’m letting this feeling fade. You have given me the honor of letting you go in silence even if (I think) you already felt that I’ve fallen for you. Thank you, because you gave me this chance of loving you without being cruel. Thank you because indeed you have made me stronger yet more sensitive of other people’s happiness.
I’m letting you go because I love you so much it will hurt me to see you without the one you love the most.
I’m letting go of this feeling because it will never have a happy ending, only tragedy for both of us. Again, thank you for letting me love you even in the deafening silence of my life.
“Wonder why we try for things that can never be?Play our heart’s lament like an unrehearsed symphony…”